Back in 2015 I joined the Prism committee as an openly transgender woman, and soon started speaking candidly about my trans identity at events and workshops over the years that followed. However, it was around 5 years later when I started to question my identity further. I was definitely not a man; I had taken significant steps to move away from being a man and was much happier with who I was becoming. However, I also didn’t feel like I wanted to push much further towards becoming a woman either. This led me to conclude that non-binary was a better description of my gender identity; Essentially, I don't fit comfortably within the box for man or woman.
I think, for me, being able to admit I was transgender was just that first step into letting myself question my gender in more detail. As my confidence built, my need to fit within a defined box lessened, and I've been happier to express myself as I see fit. But it’s important to note that not all transgender people identify as non-binary. A lot of trans people transition fully from man to woman, or vice versa. Non-binary is essentially a subset of transgender, where we do not identify with either of these standard genders.
Identifying as non-binary hasn’t made my life that much different to when I was identifying as a transgender woman. In both cases I have lived a life that does not conform to mainstream social constructs and there have been associated micro-aggressions that I have to deal with. These vary from lack of suitable options when making accounts for websites to receiving weird looks when using public toilets. I take comfort in knowing most of my rights are protected, and that violence towards me would not be tolerated, but it’s still clear that not all of wider society fully accepts me. So the main difference has been the further increased lack of understanding from those around me, with the non-binary identity being seen as a more recent or niche thing despite its extensive history.
It has also taken personal time for me to understand what the label means in the context of my own personal identity. No two non-binary people are the same, and arguably there is more space for variation under the non-binary title than under that of man or woman. As such, identifying as non-binary is often just an indication that someone has started giving their gender identity deeper consideration beyond the simple binary system that we’ve been taught all our lives.
So whilst my move from transgender woman to non-binary might be seen as different phases I went through, I see it all as part of an ongoing journey of self-discovery. A key part of my journey towards happiness was accepting and loving the whole of who I am. That’s not to say I believe I am perfect, far from it. But I include all the more difficult or less ideal aspects of my identity when considering who I am, together with the good parts, and then appreciate the value of what that makes me as a complete person. This includes all aspects of my past, as it continues to influence who I am in the present. So I do not resent any aspect of my identity, and instead I am proud of being the trans, non-binary, asexual nerd that I am.